LK Advani, Azam Khan and Digvijaya Singh meet at a Dingy Bar after a disappointing week

Faking news

It hasn’t been the best of weeks for senior leaders across parties. BJP patriarch LK Advani was snubbed in the matter of the anointment of their PM candidate, SP senior leader Azam Khan was slammed by fellow party members for missing a key meeting and Congress general secretary Digvijaya Singh was locked out of his own party’s press conference at the behest of Jyotiraditya Scindia.

The three of them ran into each other at a dingy pub in South Delhi. The UnReal Times correspondent Rajan Daruwala brings you an exclusive transcript of the happenings:

BartenderArre wah, Advaniji! Aap? Aayiye ..baithiye…must have been a lousy week for you, wasn’t it?

LK Advani (taking out his laptop): Absolutely! I’m planning a long harangue of a blog post! What’s the WiFi password, bhe?

Bartender: I think it’s NAMO7RCR

LK Advani (gets up in disgust): Let me hit another bar.

Bartender (realization dawning upon him): Oh shit! No no, wait sir. I’m changing the password immediately!

LK Advani (smiles and sits down): Good, at least someone respects elders!

Bartender: Shall I get you some fries and potato wedges, sir?

LK Advani: No, I’m having indigestion. I’ll have something light tonight. I..

They are interrupted by a loud roar at the door. “HOW DARE YOU FRISK ME?!” thunders SP leader Azam Khan.

Bouncer: Sir, I’m gonna need you to remove your coat. It’s a mandatory security check here.

Azam Khan: I have NEVER been so humiliated! I shall complain to the bar owners association about this!

LK Advani (heading to the door): Azam bhai. Calm down!

Azam Khan: I am very upset with this guard. I am boycotting this bar. Let’s go elsewhere.

LK Advani (bewildered): Er..okay..whatever you say!

Azam Khan (walking out, with Advani behind him): If I don’t visit this bar, it is a loss to the bar, not to me!

The duo hit another bar. Azam Khan loudly announces, “Hum Mulayam Singh ke aadmi hain,” and brazenly pushes past the doormen to enter the bar. As the duo make their way towards an empty table, they hear a commotion coming from the direction of the gents toilet. Someone seemed to be persistently banging on the toilet door.

“Let me out!” shouts the man from behind the door.

Azam Khan: Hehe, lagta hai someone is stuck in the bathroom. Chaliye, dekhte hain.

Advani opens the door, and out stumbles a fuming, bespectacled man, screaming, “WHICH RSS #%$#%$ LOCKED ME UP?!?” before he recognizes the man standing in front of him

Digvijaya Singh: Advaniji..aap?

LK Advani: What happened? Why were you locked?

Digvijaya Singh (scratches his chin): Hmm, Modi is announced as PM candidate and I am locked in the toilet. Any connection?

LK Advani (slapping his forehead): You need a drink. Chaliye, I’ll buy you one.

They all sit down, and down a few glasses of beer.

Digvijaya Singh (looking at the beer bottle): Wah! Lovely beer! Ek dum sau tunch maal! 

LK Advani: Let us get to a matter we all need to seriously discuss. We need to give it back to those who have insulted us this way. I think we should form a party of our own.

Azam Khan: Excellent idea! It has to be secular and it has to respect seniors!

LK Advani: Yes, we can call it the Jinnah Secularist Party! I will go on a Rath Yatra throughout the country to mobilize support for us.

Digvijaya Singh: Awesome! I can actually see Jinnahji smiling down at us from above. (stares at a spot on the ceiling)

Azam Khan: Er…that’s probably the booze (turns to Advani) Awesome idea, Advaniji! Why don’t I get us all another round of beers and we can discuss this lovely idea further!

LK Advani: No, I think this is more important and we ought to discuss it right now. I am opposed to another round.

Azam Khan (waves a hand dismissively): Aah, stop it! I’m off to get another round. I’ll be back in 3 minutes with 3 beers.

Azam Khan makes his way towards the bartender. When the returns after a few minutes he finds Advani’s seat empty.

Azam Khan: Whaa?! Where did he go?

Digvijaya Singh: He said he was going to quit. (picks up an envelope on Advani’s seat) He wrote a letter to you and left it here.

Azam Khan (opens the envelope, takes out the letter and reads it aloud): Dear Azam Khan ji, I had indicated to you my displeasure of going in for another round of beer but you chose to go ahead with it, ignoring my concerns. I’m unhappy with your style of functioning. I hereby back out from this party. (turns to Diggy, stupefied) Huh?!?

Digvijaya Singh (sighs): He’s sitting in his car. Let me go talk to him and convince him.

Digvijaya Singh goes to Advani’s car to convince him and finds Advani typing furiously on his laptop. 

Digvijaya Singh: What?! You’re blogging?

LK Advani: Yes, it’s a post titled ‘The myth that the Jinnah Secularist Party shall remain’. I just started typing the first line – ‘I would be very surprised if the party is actually set up’.

Digvijaya Singh: Oh dear…let me fetch Azam and we can talk, okay?

LK Advani (sulks): Okay.

An angry Digvijaya Singh walks back to Azam Khan.

Digvijaya Singh: Azam bhai, Advaniji wishes to see you. Let’s go to his car and meet him.

Azam Khan: No, I’ll sit this meeting out. I am very upset and offended.

Digvijaya Singh (visibly irritated): Alright! Please yourselves!

Digvijaya Singh walks out. After a while, Azam Khan leaves his seat too. As he heads out of the bar, he catches Advani’s eye. The veteran leader shuts his laptop and stares at Azam Khan, who flicks his heads contemptuously, gets into a waiting car, and drives away.

Sitting in his car, as Advani ponders over his future, he hears someone walking up to him.

“Can I also join your party, Advani paaji?” queries a soft voice.

Advani looks up to find a man with a towel tucked in his blue trousers standing at his car window. He leans out of the window, and instantly recognizes the curly haired stranger gazing at him.


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